From Heartbreak to Joy

In the back of my mind, I knew as the boys got older Evan would begin to ask more questions about Alex. He has asked the basics like why can't Alex walk or talk like him, why does Alex go to therapy or why does Alex need help with things.

I have been very fortunate to have a child like Evan. He has always been a very independent player, extremely helpful and never asks for much. But then there is a part of me that feels like he is overshadowed by Alex's disability. Having twins didn't allow for much one on one time with the boys when they were infants. I was committed to having a schedule and sticking to it for my own sanity. 

For five years Alex has depended on me and he probably will for life, but once Evan started showing signs of independence, I let him run with it and maybe even took advantage of it at times. To be fair, I wanted him to learn the importance of helping someone in need whether it be Alex or a Grandparent or a stranger.

Obviously Alex gets more attention with his needs, but I always try my best to give Evan the attention and one on one time he needs and deserves. I strive to never turn him down when he asks me to do something - whether it be build train tracks, play a game or play catch. He always seems to enjoy our time together.

Yesterday I realized that I am not enough and there is something missing in Evan's life. Something I have cried over and over about. It is the one thing I wish more than anything I could give him and the one thing I question as to why he had to be robbed of it. Everyone is always looking at Alex and seeing what he is missing but I don't think people see how it affects Evan too.

The other day we were in the car on our way to the beach when out of the blue he told me I need to have another baby in my belly. (He has been asking about another sibling for a few months now, but it is highly doubtful that it will happen) A sister he said and when I asked why, his answer broke my heart into a million little pieces. He said Alex can't walk or talk and he wants someone to play with. Thankfully I had my sunglasses on and he couldn't see the tears as they fell down my cheeks. I had to get my composure so I could answer him.

I went on to explain the different ways that he and Alex DO play together and all of the fun stuff they do together. I reminded him of the friends he has that we have spent a crazy amount of time with this summer that he has to play with and how he will have new friends at school in the fall. He seemed OK with my answers seeing that he didn't continue to push the issue. Once we got to the beach with their friends, all was forgotten. I don't think he realizes that me having a baby isn't going to give him an instant five year old playmate that he desires, but I wasn't about to get into that! It took most of the day for me to piece my heart back together. It is not easy to recover from something like that.

Just this morning, Evan mentioned again how Alex can't walk, but then he quickly followed up with how he can walk in his walker and when he is bigger he will walk. (More Tears). The hope he has in his heart is already prominent even if he doesn't understand just yet. It brings me great joy.

The other night I found out that he mentioned this same thing to Eric one night last week, so Eric took them on an "adventure" in the back yard where Alex and Evan had to work as a team. Evan had to find certain things and give them to Alex (who was in the wagon) to hold onto. I bet people don't realize the lengths we go to as parents to do things that regular families take for granted. When Eric told me this, my heart melted. This is why HE was picked for ME and why WE were picked for Alex and Evan. It takes a special kind of family to do what we do. It is hard, it is challenging but more importantly it is rewarding. I love my family. Our life is different than most but I am not about to sit around and allow these difficult moments bring me down. I have to pick myself back up and keep moving forward.