Friday, September 30, 2016

Mom Struggles

I have to say that this year has probably been the hardest year as a mom for me in my six years of experience. Having two infants was rough. The sleepless nights, constant diaper changes and keeping to a schedule was a lot sometimes. Having two toddlers was also challenging with the tantrums and always getting into things. Preschool age wasn't so bad, although it had it's moments but six has been the roughest, toughest of them all and it isn't just the kids or their age. It is me having to accept that they are growing up (fast) and that independence is coming into play as well as talking back and not listening. And that is just Evan. With Alex, Communication has been really rough. Understanding his wants and needs has always been a challenge, but it seems to be getting harder the older he gets.

With all of this being said, I am really struggling as a Mother. I don't like to be mean, or yell or have to repeat myself 100 times. I don't like to get frustrated and then cry because I am overwhelmed with emotion. Honestly, I feel like a hot mess and I don't feel like anyone understands....but then there are plenty of you out there feeling the exact same way I do.

Evan is wanting to do everything himself lately. He is 6. I am not ready for him to be this way. (Struggle). I want him to need me. I feel like he doesn't care to listen to me, follow directions and then when I get frustrated and raise my voice, he talks back and says all I do is yell at him. (Struggle) When things get heated between us, I usually send him to his room which he stomps off to and sometimes slams the door. When it is really bad and he is tired and emotional, he screams and cries too. I usually feel really bad about it (which gets me worked up) and I have to go and make things better for the both of us. I feel like it is too early to start letting go. It feels like someone is shining a spotlight right in my face telling me it is time - and I am not ready dammit!!! I want my little boy to stay little. I want to help him, take care of him and always have kisses, hugs and snuggles available to me whenever I want them. 

With Alex, I am struggling with him being non-verbal. Not knowing what he wants, what he needs or what he is feeling. I have done pretty well these past six years with reading him, but I am ready for him to communicate his wants, needs, choices and feelings to me freely. I don't want him to scream and yell when he is frustrated because he can't tell me what he really wants. (Struggle). I don't want to lose my cool every time he does scream and yell (Struggle) only to cry about it because I am just as frustrated, and he doesn't know any better.

I never dreamed that being a Mom would be this hard emotionally. I literally don't know what I would do without them and all I want is to be the best for them. To teach them, show them the way and to grow up knowing as hard as some of this has been, I LOVE THEM MORE THAN THEY WILL EVER KNOW. I guess I was hoping that it wouldn't be as challenging as it is and maybe, just maybe I would have one easy day. Maybe that day will come. Who knows? Maybe it won't. I also think part of the struggle is that I have two children the same age - no more babies - and they are experiencing so much of the same at the same time. I am content with two children and I am not sure I could go back to middle of the night feedings and having a newborn. I am content with the age they are at, I just wish they could stay this age forever! It also doesn't help that I am making them scrapbooks, and I am working on 2011/2012 right now - when they were 1 and 2!

With all of this being said, we as Mom's just have to keep pushing along and hang on tight through this roller coaster of motherhood that is in front of us and enjoy the ride.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Sometimes We Need a Little Extra Love

Evan was extra needy this morning; very emotional. Then he said to me: "You don't love me as much in the morning". He is referring to the fact that I tend to Alex more than him, like getting him dressed, brushing his teeth, helping him with breakfast etc.

As my heart broke into a thousand tiny little pieces, I explained to him that Alex needs help with things. There are things that he cannot do on his own which is why I have to help him. I went on to explain how he (Evan) is very independent and he can do all of those things on his own.

Then I realized that even though he has proven to be more and more independent lately, he still needs me....and that made me feel good. It has been bothering me how independent he has become. I know his need for me will become less and less the older he gets, but it is hard as a mother to let go. So, when he said all of this to me this morning, I happily offered to help him get dressed, help him brush his teeth and give him a few extra minutes of undivided attention that he not only needs but deserves.

Once that happened, he was fine. We all ate breakfast together and then when it was his turn to wait for the bus, I said to him after he gave me a kiss..."Will you always give me kisses"? His response was: "When I get older like 6th grade, I will give you a kiss in the house, not out here". When I acted like my feelings were hurt, he said "Just Kidding!". But I know deep down, he wasn't because I remember going through that same faze growing up and I know he will too. I also know, that he will come out of that faze and want to give me kisses again, because he will always love me just like I love my Mom.

I know that I give more of my attention to Alex, not because I mean to, but because that is the way it is because of his needs. Evan has always been a very independent kid, and I am thankful for that. I just need to realize that sometimes he needs that extra love, and undivided attention from me even when I don't realize it. I never want him to feel unloved....because he isn't. I love him so much more than he knows!!

Friday, September 16, 2016

First Day of 1st Grade

September 6, 2016

I am catching up - I am only 10 days late on this post!

It is hard for me to believe, but Alex and Evan started 1st grade 10 days ago! They are growing to fast for me to keep up. I drove them to school that morning, and both did well when I left, but I later found out that Evan had a rough morning because he missed me. (my heart melted a little) I know that there will come a time when he won't miss me, so I am glad they told me. When he got off the bus that day, he ran and jumped into my arms. (it made my day). 

10 days in and they are both doing well. I don't get many updates, but the ones I have gotten are good. I hope it turns out to be a good year. Here are some pictures of their first day. 

First Day of 1st Grade - September 6, 2016

Hilarious! I think he might be screaming behind the sign!

This is a gem!

Almost time to go in!
He was all about crinkling the paper!
Ready for the day!

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Horse Show 2016

August 27, 2016

As you can see, I am playing catch up with my blog.

Alex participated in The Banbury Cross Horse Show again this year. It was a jungle theme so the volunteers and staff painted the horses to be different animals.Stormy was a cheetah. Alex had a ball. He received another trophy and ribbon. So thankful for this program and all it has done for Alex.

Show time!

He is so happy

Such sweetness

End of his session

Receiving his ribbon and trophy

With his side-walkers Michelle and Nicole - two of the best!

Grandpa Rick Came

So did Grandma Debbie

Plus cousins Laken and Sailor and Aunt Kristy

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Georgia 2016

The second half of our August Adventure was Georgia. Eric's sister and her family live down there so we went to stay with them for a few days.

On our first day, Tappy took us to Wildcat Creek Falls to the sliding rock there. It wasn't the warmest of days, and the water was FREEZING cold but it was so much fun! You literally slide down a waterfall! The boys loved it and couldn't stop going down. I had to go first to show Evan it was ok and once he went, he didn't stop until we forced him to leave. Eric took Alex down and he would keep pointing at the falls to go again and again and again! Very cool experience. Apparently I have no pictures of my going down the waterfall - just video

Alex and Eric getting ready to go!

Aunt Tappy and Evan about to race

Alex and Aunt Tappy

16 of 100

Love Alex's face!

The next day we took a drive to the tallest mountain in Georgia, Brasstown Bald. It is 4,784 ft. with gorgeous views. North Carolina on one side and Georgia on the other. At one point we were in the clouds as they passed over. SO COOL! What was also nice is that they had a shuttle service that we were able to put Alex's wheelchair on and get a ride to the top. Once at the top, there were elevators to the observation deck! Another neat experience. We also made a stop at Minnehaha Falls. Eric and I visited there two years ago when we were down, but we wanted to take the boys. It isn't a long hike, but a rugged one that requires us to carry Alex and I wanted to do it now before he gets too heavy for us. We got some pictures and Evan got to climb up the falls with Tappy.

Just a scenic little gem on our way to the mountain

In the Clouds

I love this one

Georgia View

In the process of taking my selfie...
....I caught someone else taking one!

You can't tell from this pic, but he was really mad at me for the previous photo!

Eric, Niece Mindy, Myself and Niece AnnaMarie

North Carolina View

At the top of Brasstown Bald

Clouds passing through

Alex and his cousins, AnnaMarie and Brook

The Whole Gang

Tappy, Evan and Bailey climing Minnehaha Falls

Wish it was clear, I love this one

The little gang

Best one I could get

We did pretty well getting a group shot 

Another Favorite

Our final day was kind of rainy so we managed to visit the town on Helen for a bit before going out to dinner at El Patron with the whole family. It was a low key day - just what we needed.

Alex was all about Brook this trip

He loves her

Group shot at dinner....not sure what these 2 are up to
Bailey and Evan

 It was great to see everyone, wish we had more time but we decided to split the trip, so we will have to plan another visit down soon.