With all of this being said, I am really struggling as a Mother. I don't like to be mean, or yell or have to repeat myself 100 times. I don't like to get frustrated and then cry because I am overwhelmed with emotion. Honestly, I feel like a hot mess and I don't feel like anyone understands....but then there are plenty of you out there feeling the exact same way I do.
Evan is wanting to do everything himself lately. He is 6. I am not ready for him to be this way. (Struggle). I want him to need me. I feel like he doesn't care to listen to me, follow directions and then when I get frustrated and raise my voice, he talks back and says all I do is yell at him. (Struggle) When things get heated between us, I usually send him to his room which he stomps off to and sometimes slams the door. When it is really bad and he is tired and emotional, he screams and cries too. I usually feel really bad about it (which gets me worked up) and I have to go and make things better for the both of us. I feel like it is too early to start letting go. It feels like someone is shining a spotlight right in my face telling me it is time - and I am not ready dammit!!! I want my little boy to stay little. I want to help him, take care of him and always have kisses, hugs and snuggles available to me whenever I want them.
With Alex, I am struggling with him being non-verbal. Not knowing what he wants, what he needs or what he is feeling. I have done pretty well these past six years with reading him, but I am ready for him to communicate his wants, needs, choices and feelings to me freely. I don't want him to scream and yell when he is frustrated because he can't tell me what he really wants. (Struggle). I don't want to lose my cool every time he does scream and yell (Struggle) only to cry about it because I am just as frustrated, and he doesn't know any better.
I never dreamed that being a Mom would be this hard emotionally. I literally don't know what I would do without them and all I want is to be the best for them. To teach them, show them the way and to grow up knowing as hard as some of this has been, I LOVE THEM MORE THAN THEY WILL EVER KNOW. I guess I was hoping that it wouldn't be as challenging as it is and maybe, just maybe I would have one easy day. Maybe that day will come. Who knows? Maybe it won't. I also think part of the struggle is that I have two children the same age - no more babies - and they are experiencing so much of the same at the same time. I am content with two children and I am not sure I could go back to middle of the night feedings and having a newborn. I am content with the age they are at, I just wish they could stay this age forever! It also doesn't help that I am making them scrapbooks, and I am working on 2011/2012 right now - when they were 1 and 2!
With all of this being said, we as Mom's just have to keep pushing along and hang on tight through this roller coaster of motherhood that is in front of us and enjoy the ride.