Bittersweet Moments

Most of the time I have a fairly positive attitude towards Alex and his Cerebral Palsy, but every once in a while my emotions get the best of me and I have a moment where I have to cry to let all the bad thoughts and feelings out.

Over the weekend we got together with some friends who have a 3 year old and an 18 month old like Alex and Evan. It’s the first time we have gotten together with them since Evan started walking, and to my surprise he wasn’t shy about warming up to them and fitting right in. He was running around with them playing and screaming and having fun. I was really excited for him but at the same time my heart was breaking inside for Alex as he sat on my lap. That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks. The reality of Alex’s Cerebral Palsy; the reality that he can’t sit independently, can’t crawl, can’t walk or chase his brother and friends around. It wasn’t like the kids ran around all night long, it only lasted a few minutes but I was so overcome by emotion in that moment that I couldn’t help but feel sad for him. I guess I am accustomed to my everyday life at home where Evan runs around to make Alex laugh, plays really well on his own and occasionally hugs and kisses his brother. Alex lies on the floor to play or sits up with me to play. I know things will change as Alex gets older, learns how to sit on his own and walks with a walker or on his own but as of now he is not going to be able to participate on his own.  No worries though because they all came into the next room and laid on the floor with Alex and cuddled. That is what actually made me feel better. I know I can’t let these moments make me sad or feel sorry for Alex. He has so much going for him. An infectious smile and laugh, beautiful dark brown eyes, strength like I have never seen and two parents and a twin brother who love him very much. I know in my heart once Evan has a better understanding of what is going with Alex, he will protect him and never leave him behind.

Moving on, let me tell you what Evan did last night. Eric, Alex and I were all sitting on the floor in the family room. Evan was running around as usual and got Alex laughing. Evan went and stood between the chair and couch and he would take a step or two to get Alex to laugh and then he would sprint toward him laughing which would get Alex laughing so hard he didn’t know when to stop. It was one of those moments that you never want to end.

Tonight, Evan would not go down. I checked on him a couple of times and he just kept continuing to scream. The 2^nd time I went in, he reached for me and I couldn’t resist. I scooped him up and took him into my room to cuddle with him. Evan isn’t a cuddler. He is on the move all the time, so when these moments occur like tonight, I can’t help but want to cuddle with him. He calmed right down and was asleep in my arms within 15 minutes. I didn’t want to put him to bed. I was in Heaven. Mr. Alex must have been jealous because about an hour later he woke up crying, Eric brought him down, he cuddled with me and was back to sleep within a few minutes. These moments are bittersweet for me and is what makes me love being a Mom.