When I was in Georgia a few weeks ago, things didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped. In the end, I think it became a good thing because my sister in law (SIL) was able to observe me. One of my last days there, I flat out asked her: "What am I doing wrong?" Her response has given me a whole new perspective.
She didn't believe I was doing anything "wrong" per say but said that I expect too much out of my kids and that I am very high strung. (That doesn't look very good in writing, but the way she said it made sense!) I took a moment and thought about that and I began to see what she meant. First of all, I already knew I was high strung so that wasn't a surprise. That is who I am, but I know things aren't going to get better until I learn to relax a bit. Second, I expect my kids to do a lot of the same things when they are clearly two different people with two different abilities. I can see where that could cause some problems. I didn't really see this until she pointed it out. Finally, I feel like some days all I do is yell and I don't want to be that kind of parent.
She explained how my stress and frustration tends to spill over into the boys. They feel it and react when it's around. It was clear as day AFTER our trip to the aquarium and AFTER I spoke with her. I looked back at that day and saw all of it. Alex was super whiny and I couldn't find anything to make him happy which in turn stressed me out and got me frustrated. I felt like I couldn't enjoy myself so my SIL took over. I went off with Evan for a bit and when I came back, Alex was in the stroller perfectly fine. He saw me a couple of times and would get whiny again. Throughout the day it was back and forth and didn't get much better. On top of that, Evan doesn't listen to me for anything so I was reaching my breaking point. My SIL decided to keep the boys while I took my niece to a dolphin show. I was worried and stressing the whole time because I felt bad for leaving them with her. When the show was over we found her outside and they were BOTH in the stroller completely content. I didn't think much about it at that moment, but once I talked with her and thought back to that trip, I saw it clear as day. My stress and frustration totally affected them and they reacted the only way they could...by being upset and acting out. They were upset because I was upset and that isn't healthy.
She also told me that it's ok that the boys go through life not experiencing the same things all of the time. I guess because I have twins, I have always made it a point that they both do certain things and that has caused a lot of stress because they are two different people that aren't always going to want to do the same things. I am sure I wouldn't be doing this if there was an age gap between them. It's not fair to force either of them to do something they aren't interested in. I think this happens more to Alex than Evan. If I see Evan doing or enjoying an activity, I feel like Alex should be there right along side of him doing it as well. More times than not, Alex could care less. He would be much happier doing something that he enjoys. I think another reason I do things this way is because I never want Alex to feel excluded. I want him to experience as much as he can in life despite his disability, but that's no good if he isn't happy. He will enjoy things more if it's what he is comfortable with and what he likes and I am not stressing over him not enjoying it! Sometimes I think I hold Evan back if Alex can't participate and that isn't fair either. Evan is a very determined and independent little boy, so it's important for me to let him explore and do things he enjoys.
Coming to this realization has already changed a lot for me. I think it has helped me in allowing the boys to do what they want as individuals and if they end up doing something together and having fun, then so be it. Today Evan wanted to play with his playdoh and Alex having no interest in playdoh, was completely content in the other room playing with his toys. The house was actually peaceful for a bit because they were both happy doing what they were doing. I know I should have realized this awhile ago, but it is what it is. I am glad my SIL gave me some good insight to things I can change to help reduce some of my stress and I want to Thank her for that.
This past week a friend and I also attended a Toddler, Transition and Tantrum seminar to see if that could help. I wanted a better understanding of how I can deal with the meltdowns Evan is having. It was pretty informational. You don't realize how many emotions a two year old goes through and how they don't understand how to deal with them. Allowing them a little bit of "power" with choices helps as well.
Between the seminar and the talk I had with my SIL, I am going to be making some changes to make things better for all of us. I have a lot of work ahead of me, but at least now I feel like I have some sort of direction. It's important for us to be a Happy and Healthy Family.
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