When Reality Hits

{The conversation listed in this post happened a few weeks ago, I just haven't had time to post}

I knew the day would come, but no matter what, I knew I wouldn't be prepared; to answer questions from Evan about Alex.

A couple of months ago Evan made a statement about how he wants Alex to walk like him. Talk about breaking your heart into a million pieces and staying strong enough not to break and let it show. I told him that we hope someday Alex WILL walk just like him. I hadn't really heard a whole lot since, but I knew by putting them in the same class this year, that other kids would have questions about Alex and Evan would more than likely hear and begin to wonder as well.

Evan is knee deep in the "Why" faze right now, so this morning I got bombarded with "Why" questions about Alex as we were getting ready for the bus to come get them. I realized this is what it feels like when reality hits.

"Why can't Alex walk or run like me? Why can't Alex get dressed by himself? Why can't Alex put his shoes on?" Keep in mind that Evan is four. I told him that Alex is different, and that all people are different and that it is ok to be different. I have already tried explaining the world of Cerebral Palsy to him, and I tried again this morning as he gave me a blank stare. I know he doesn't get it...yet, but he will someday so it is important to bring awareness to him even as a four year old who doesn't get it...yet. Because there will come a day where he will "get it" and when he does, I want him to remember us talking about it so it isn't new to him.

This morning I tried talking about Alex's muscles, because Evan knows all about muscles and how his are big and strong! LOL. I explained that Alex goes to therapy to work on his muscles so that one day his will be big and strong like Evan's and will hopefully be able to walk and run alongside his him.

This is probably one of the hardest things I have had to deal with. Trying to keep it together without falling apart is extremely difficult and one of my biggest struggles is not having my boys run and play together outside, or at a McDonald's playground, or at the park. Especially because that is what you envision when you find out you are expecting twins. You never expect your whole world to be turned upside down and have to face some of the most difficult of situations and questions. To constantly fight and advocate; To guess or try to read my non-verbal child when he is upset because he can't tell me; To help him do things that our brains don't think twice about but that his may never be able to do. It is overwhelming.

With all of this being said, Evan will always understand the special needs world, he will not judge, he will not make fun of or turn his back on a person with a disability because he will know the importance of that world because of Alex. A person he will forever have a bond with that I will never know but always admire.

Evan asked to hold Alex's hand before I took this picture

Although it isn't always present, there is a closeness between them