Reflecting

Many people praised me on my initial post for being so positive. Let me just say that it’s taken me a long time to get where I am today. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions from the day I found out I was pregnant. I think if anything, parenthood and parenting a special needs child have given me more perspective of what life is all about and they have made me who I am today.

Before I was pregnant, I didn’t have anyone to worry about but myself. No one depended on me and I was a very selfish person. That was one of my main concerns with starting a family. I knew that once I had kids, I wouldn’t be able to do whatever I wanted when I wanted. I was very accustomed to that lifestyle. Eric and I had been together for 9 years and for 9 years we came and went as we pleased. No restrictions. People had been asking us well before we even got married when we were going to have kids. To be honest, kids kind of annoyed me and that scared me to death because I didn’t think I had it in me to be a Mom.  

Everyone kept telling me that it is different when they are your own kids. Blah Blah Blah is what I would think in my head. But I’ll be damned, they were right. So right that I am telling people I know without kids the same thing now. It is TOTALLY different. Never in my life did I think I could love 2 little people as much as I love Alex and Evan. My selfish lifestyle went right out the door and my world now revolves around them.

There are so many times when Eric and I reflect on where we have been with Alex and Evan. I think parents of premature babies and more importantly, parents who have spent a substantial amount of time in the NICU tend to do this. I knew that carrying twins had its risks, including preterm labor. I figured I would easily make it to 36 weeks since my pregnancy was going so smoothly. I never imagined I would deliver in an emergency C-section, have 3 ½ pound babies, leave the hospital after 4 days without them and travel back and forth every day for 48 days. But I did and that’s how it was supposed to be. Why? Well I don’t have the answer to that, but I can tell you that it has made me a better and stronger  Mother.

Going back and forth to the NICU was tiring both physically and emotionally as a parent of two newborns. I wanted more than anything for my boys to be at home in their own cribs, not hooked up to any monitors and available for me to cuddle with them anytime I wanted. But I also wanted them to be healthy and well and that’s what the time in the NICU was for.  We learned a lot while we were there and when it was finally time to bring them home, I felt more than ready; more so than I would have been if I had brought them home after 4 days. Bringing a baby home can be overwhelming but bringing twins’ home is downright terrifying. So I am thankful for our time spent in the NICU, I just wish it didn’t have to be so long.

Tonight as we were feeding the boys’ dinner, we were reflecting back to when they couldn’t even eat from a bottle and had to be fed through a feeding tube. Those days seem so long ago as they are eating what we refer to as “human food”, drinking from their sippy cups and are no longer taking a bottle.

Then it hits me, I don’t have babies anymore. I have two toddlers!